Saturday, November 23, 2013

We Remember Them

Today is International Survivors of Suicide Day. Events were held in over 300 locations around the world.

This was something that I really didn't want to attend (much like my support group and individual counseling) but I felt like I needed to go.

The event was nicely put together. It took place downtown Chicago on Michigan Avenue.

It's quite surreal walking into these things. There is an unspoken understanding in the room, without a word being spoken. People are there for a reason and even if you don't know their story, you feel a connection with them.

It is comforting to hear others' stories and empathize with their loss. It's nice to share your ideas and thoughts and hear other perspectives. It feels good to witness, learn, and share.

Though it was comforting to be there, it was a very emotional day for me.

It's funny that I say that because every day is a very emotional day. David has been gone for over a month now and yet it still doesn't feel real.

I dream of David, it seems like all night long. Only once has he spoken to me in a dream. That was a few weeks ago now, and his words were something like, "Wow, isn't that bizarre?!?" He said it in his unique David way and then walked away. Since then he's been present in my dreams, but more like a character who's not in the scene. I haven't seen him or heard his voice again.

During the day, I think of him every moment. I am obsessed with this grief. At times overcome by its intensity, other times dulled with its defense.

There are moments of shear pain, utter despair. In these moments, I feel empathetic to the pain that David felt. I feel like I have a glimpse of what it was like. This is the closest I can get to understanding his suffering.

These moments are suffocating. Energy and emotion intertwines forming an arrow, exploding through my heart and dissolving in tears.

Sometimes these moments come welcomed with open arms, I've been numb for too long and want to miss him again. Other times, they linger for too long. In these moments, I try to visualize the pain leaving my heart, the thoughts leaving my mind. I tune into my breath and close my eyes.

Every day is another day without David. What I need to remember, is that every day is another day of my life, too. It's important to live, even in times where my mind and heart are overcome with loss.

I will close with a poem that we recited today. It comes from the Jewish Book of Prayer. 

We Remember Them

In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We Remember Them.

In the bowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We Remember Them.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring.
We Remember Them.

In the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,
We Remember Them.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn.
We Remember Them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We Remember Them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We Remember Them.

When we are lost and sick of heart,
We Remember Them.

When we have joys and special celebrations we yearn to share,
We Remember Them.

So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are part of us.
We Remember Them.

Loving and remembering David J. today.

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