Confusion

There are two conflicting ideas felt when you lose someone you love. Two opposing forces felt with equal intensity depending on the moment.

On one hand, you feel grateful. You feel so lucky to have had them for the time you did. You feel honored by their memory, inspired by their story.

On the other hand, you feel crippled with their loss. You feel that their death is unfair. It doesn't make sense and most of the time you just don't believe it.

Yet, you want to make them proud. You want to honor them with the life you have. You want to work hard and aspire to be half as great as they were.

But, if they couldn't finish graduate school, have a family, find a job they love, experience the joy of life, why do you? If they, in your eyes one of the best, most worthy people you've ever met, were robbed of these blessings, why weren't you?

You want them to know how much you love and miss them, and maybe the way they'll know that is by the despair you feel now. Maybe they'll see how loved they were and for a second you believe that that might bring them back.That doesn't last for more than a second when you realize that they are gone. They have passed on.

For some reason, they have passed on, and you're still here. You're here. Your body is here to take care of, your mind is here to challenge. You heart is here to feel and your loved ones need to be loved. You are here. The only part missing is them. The hole that they left.

You realize that the hole they left will not heal if you allow the outsides to soften and grow. They would not want that hole to over-take you. They would want you to do your best. They would want you to live.

After all, of all you learn when you lose someone you love, possibly most clear is how precious is life. The intimacy of each day. The fleeting nature of it all.

With that said, I decide to embrace the day, savor the gift. Feel comforted by the memories and empowered by their story.

That is what I decided yesterday, and what I'll decide tomorrow.