"From our very first breath we enter and trust the cycles of life. As infants we trust our parents to tend to our needs. As children we trust the good in those around us. We are taught that if we are good to others, they will in turn be good to us. Soon we become adolescents who are taught cause and effect. We are taught that if we eat nutritionally and take care of our bodies they will serve us well for years. And we grow into adulthood, where we continue to trust these basic cycles. We trust that the sun will rise each morning and set each evening; that our children will outlive us; that there will be many days to cherish those we love.
Then, in a split second, with the news of a loved one's sudden death, the world changes forever. The orderly world of predicable cycles ends. We are thrown into an abyss with few tools at hand. No time for preparation. No time to gather what we will need for our journey. No time for unfinished business or goodbyes.
Physically we may be composed of cells and genes and skin and bones, but emotionally we are composed of thoughts and feelings and memories and pieces of the people we have touched, and of those who have touched us. The death of the person we love creates a gaping wound. We have somehow changed. Our cyclical structure has been eternally disrupted and we find ourselves wandering through the broken pieces of yesterday's foundation.
Grief brings that moment when you look into the mirror and no longer recognize the eyes staring back at you. Though the sun still rises and sets as it always has, everything looks just a bit different, a bit distorted. Grief casts far-reaching shadows around us." - I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye
Days pass on and the world continues to go 'round. Some days are good and I feel peace but the cycle of grief continues to circuit. The passage above encapsulates so completely the struggle I've had losing David and the confrontation I've felt with the reality of life and death.
I miss my brother. I miss talking to him and laughing together. I miss witnessing his antics and hearing his thoughts. I miss being challenged and supported by him.
I find peace in remembering that death is a part of life. I am comforted by the idea that what seems like an end to us, is really only a beginning.
"What we call the beginning is often the end. To make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." -T.S. Elliot
David lived a great life. I wish it had been longer, but I am thankful for all it was.
"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"